Well, new year.. new me, right? Wrong.
Still the same old me with way too many ideas, and way too much desire to experience and explore everything and nothing. I fear I am forever doomed to a life of discontent because I want too much, and I always want what I don’t have and I never want what I do have.
Montreal drives me crazy sometimes. There is so much to do here but not at all much to do. It is forever a vicious circle; I feel broke and I haven’t made many great friends so I never want to leave my house, or spend money on the monthly bus pass, or visits to the Andy Warhol exhibit, or rye and gingers. But then how am I supposed to enjoy myself and make more friends if I don’t succumb to the night life and the daytime treats that Mtl has to offer?
I constantly miss my life in Halifax, and I miss all the friends and the fun times we always had. I miss the Dome and the Palace, and I miss the Marquee- which I hear is shutting down again- I miss the bus rides to Dartmouth. The cold winter days spent at Uncommon Grounds teaching myself existentialism and the warm summer runs through Point Pleasant. I miss it all too much. It would be so easy to just go back and resume life, but then I am scared that too much will have changed and it won’t be the same.
There will forever be the part of me that wants to return to more comfortable times, where life is stable and good. And friends are always around, and I can have a nice flat of my own and buy nice things for it and not always feel like life is so temporary. But then there will forever be the part of me that wants to run and explore and experience new places and new people; be a beach bum in California, go to Berkeley law school, get a Masters and phD im Film Studies, become a professor or a film reviewer…. these wants will always cloud my vision and I fear they will someday destroy any chance of happiness I do find staring me right in the face.
I really want to just abstain from work and school for a while, and take the time to find myself. That’s the ironic part though… a poor person can’t afford to take the time to just travel and explore in the hopes of finding oneself. So instead, I must put on a happy face and trudge on. And take all the opportunities that come my way, and appreciate them for what they are… “don’t count the moments, make the moments count”. And, if anything, I need to abstain from grand ideas and desires, and learn how to learn about myself from the things that I do get to do.